That is all

Strange dream last night that included a girl I work with (who may move in with me) and Jason Webley, one of my favorite musicians. I don't remember much, but the potential roommate did something mean and Jason Webley was putting on a show at someones house and I was...doing something, I don't know...
I hate remembering dreams and knowing that the bits and pieces are floating their, just beyond my minds eye, so I have a feeling/notion about what went on, but I can't seem to grasp it enough to put it into words...

This feeling of looseness also ties into how I have been feeling that past few days. Kind of just loose, and lazy. Not getting enough sleep and then being exhausted when I get home from work, where I essentially sit at a desk for most of 8 hours...which is annoying because with so much lack of activity I want to jump around and work on all my projects once I am home, but then...I don't.
Fudge.

A friend of mine posted this beautiful video on her facebook, so I thought I would share. I watched it three times, and probably would again if I wasn't at work at the moment.
Also, this video I found on deviant art, it makes me jealous and want to rush home and break out the guitar I haven't touched in 4 years. Poor guitar, it must be so lonely.

Just Thoughts

Busy lately, trying very hard to clean my apartment and just have it in a state of organization where I am not constantly chasing after loose ends of this that or the other thing, other than daily/weekly things, i.e. trash, dishes, etc.

Have a few ideas bumping around my head about what to write, but not enough focus to write them atm, or to hold on to the ideas if I don't write them down immediately, so only a few have stuck around.

Just a few thoughts though, to tide me over at the moment.

Blueberry picking is like ADHD, every time you refocus there is another point of interest.

Every Tuesday is like mini vacation, going out to my grandparents, enjoying the woods, painting watercolors with my grandmother and other ladies at the center for aging (it is a community/activity center, not a nursing home, we drive there)

watching Judge Judy with my grandfather when we get home, my grandmother offering me bunch of food and tea

flowers, blueberries, fresh vegetables from the garden, just being in nature, glorious

even the insects have their charm, to a point, adding to the whole experience

what I would do if I could live at my grandparents house (and had the day off)

wake up early,

make tea or coffee and sit on the porch and watch the sky lighten over the neighbors farm,

let the dog out and walk around the orchard with her

pick some blueberries and flowers

bake some cookies

work on my watercolors

breathe

poem I wrote in my head on my out this past Tuesday, it is about my dog who lived with my grandparents, she passed away this winter:

every now and then

when I take this road

following the familiar twists and turns

surrounded by green

slight buzzing

cooler breezes

my heart jumps a beat

I anticipate my arrival

imagine the ritual

parking my car on the edge of the circle

behind me the screen door opens

smiling faces

a white blur leading the way,

bounding to my door

nosing my hands, always excited to see me

even when it was becoming painful to run

she still did

I snap back to reality

and realize this is past tense

when I arrive

the door may open

but there will always be one less to greet me

I still forget

Forgive my ramshackle reminiscing, it's been a long day

This past Saturday I went out to my dad's house for a cookout. The part started at noon but I didn't get there until 7pm. It wasn't until I arrived that I found that both my brother and sister had left hours beforehand and I was left to my own devices with my dad and his friends, oh and my uncle and aunt. Strangely enough I found myself getting along more with those who were over forty than the one couple there that hadn't hit 30 yet.
I had planned to only have one drink, maybe two, but I ended up with about 4 or 5 and having a blast chatting with a woman my dad works with. I also seem to get along with his neighbor from across the road, they hang out all the time and drink martinis. Man stuff.
Everyone was gone by 10:30 and my calorie count was ruined for the day.

Driving out there I got that familiar pang of home-sickness that I get every time I visit central Mass. It was even stronger that night because it had been scorchingly hot in the city during the day but by the time I was out in the woods it was twilight and balmy. I got off the highway and rolled my windows down, everything was blue and green, insects chirping...
I don't even know how to describe it other than, just, bliss.

It's funny because I didn't grow on a farm or anything like that but I can see the major differences between myself and those who grew up in suburbs and cities.
My boyfriend came to stay with me at my grandparents house once, which is almost as remote as my dads house, if you don't count the interstate nearby that is hardly used.
Keep in mind that this is where I grew up, this is what I am used to, and my boyfriend, while a born and bred city kid, was also a boy scout/eagle scout for 10+ years.
We were in the large guest room getting ready for bed and I started to turn the covers down and at the same time I said to him, "Oh yeah, if you find any dead lady-bugs or anything just flick them away..." which I myself then proceeded to do.
He stopped and just looked at me in awe and horror and asked "Why would there be dead lady-bugs in the bed??"
"Because we're in the woods. You were a boyscout, weren't you?!"
I guess tents and cabins are allowed to have bugs, but houses are not.

This entry has taken me forever to write, and it's very scattered, brain is mush, maybe tomorrow will be more coherent...

Conflicted, adventure-sick, Homebody in search of The Road Less Travelled

Having a good case of ADHD will lead to a lot of tangents, even while thinking.

I drove into the city this morning because I've trying to snag a free parking spot near school, and, finding no luck I got to work about 20 minutes early instead. I parked in a lot that has diagonal spots up against a fence. I figured since most of the construction workers were over near the buildings that I would be fine parking next to a big utility truck. Wrong. Only minutes later did another utility vehicle park on the other side of me and men in hard hats and bright yellow t-shirts were huddled by the back of my car. Sigh.

Since I had time to kill I ignored this, and hoped that they would go away at some point and allow me a chance to escape. Again, wrong. Mere seconds after all, but one, of the workmen were gone, that the remaining guy decided to use my rear-windshield as a clipboard...
Then more of them started to come back...
I wasn't really sure what to say or do at this point, but since my car was no longer being written on I decided to make my move and run for it. Guess they were oblivious to my presence, cause they all looked a little dumbfounded when I opened my door...

While I had been sitting there, though, growing more and more anxious, I thought of what I could do, open my door and, sarcastically, say "Can I help you?" to the guy using my rear-windshield? did he know I was there? did he care? should I care? I mean, if I wasn't in my car then I'd say, hell, use the hood!
I'm just going with the assumption that he had no idea I was in the car to begin with...

This got me thinking about what I've heard called "The New England Reserve" and how, compared to out West, in say, California, we here in New England have a very cold and isolated attitude towards others, whereas out West they are very open and welcoming to complete strangers.
Though, maybe it is just Mass, because an old friend of my grandparents visited the other day and he lived in Maine for a long time and was talking about how in Maine drivers are more relaxed and understanding when people are lost, taking a left-hand turn, driving...and how down here, well, we're not called Massholes for nothin'!

It makes me wonder if I wouldn't have been so nervous had I been raised in a different society, if I would have just opened my door and said "Hi" struck up a conversation with the guy. My mother probably would have, if being from New England v.s. Cali were different races my mother would be half and half I feel (though, she was born and bred in Mass) but her attitude on certain situations is completely different, where on the one hand she can be very cold and distant from strangers, she can also be very friendly and outgoing. I hid in my room when repair men came to our house, she was making coffee and asking about their life story...

Recently a friend of mine told me he's applying to schools out in California, Colorado, west-coast area, this made me a little jealous, and it also made me angry, not at him, but at myself.
When I was looking at graduate schools I applied to Naropa out in Boulder, CO. I applied, got an interview, went out there with my Gram, got accepted, and then turned the offer the down.
It was GORGEOUS out there, I loved it, it was fresh and new, and the traffic engineering was amazing. But, in the end the program really wasn't what I wanted, and I felt too many ties keeping me here on the east-coast. I also was lacking in support from certain people in my life, but that's a whole different story.
I kick myself for this choice regularly.

Even so, the reasons I stayed are still up front and center.
For starters, I've never lived anywhere but Mass, I have relatives all over the country, but the ones I care about the most are all here, and I wasn't sure I would be able to handle being so far away, especially if something were to happen.

I also wanted to jump right into grad-school, not give myself anytime to dilly-dally, and while Naropa did have an art therapy program (I had applied for their contemplative psych program) I would have to wait another year to apply cause it was past the deadline by then, so I applied here, I did the undergrad here so why not the grad-program? They had what I wanted anyway, which is rare, and it's not like I wouldn't get in, right?

I justified it all with saying even though I was still in this damn city, which I do love for the most part, that grad-school would be different, and it is, but, sometimes you need to do something drastic and crazy to kick-start the changes and goals you want in your life, and staying here has only nudged mine so far, which is a tease, poking at them as if saying "You can only get so far here! You stayed within your comfort zone, you took the easy way out!"

Everyone knows their own truths, the problem is us neurotics and our death-grip on repression...

Here is what I found on certain things in my dream, most of these had more to them, different things you could see/be doing (i.e. climbing up a ladder as opposed to down) so I took out the parts that weren't relevant to my dream.

Pregnant
To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. (on this point it is funny that I don't have more of these dreams as I am always coming up with new projects and goals to work on...)
Alternatively, if you are trying to get pregnant, then the dream may be a wish fulfillment. If you are not trying to get pregnant, but dream that you are, then it symbolizes fear of new responsibilities.

It then suggested I look at the word "Belly" (a term I hate, btw, but I was curious)

Belly
To see your belly in your dream, indicates that your are processing and integrating your ideas and feelings from the unconscious to the conscious level. The belly symbolically holds repressed emotions and unexpressed feelings. Your dream may also be telling you to trust your gut feeling and intuition.
(I hold a lot in my belly stomach, compounding dietary restrictions paired with anxiety...)

To see a pregnant belly, represents emotions that are due to come to the surface. They can no longer remain suppressed.

To dream that you are stroking or touching a belly, indicates that you are coming to terms with certain feelings. You are slowly confronting and acknowledging your repressed emotions.

Ladder
If you are climbing down a ladder, then it suggests that you are escaping from your spiritual responsibilities. It is an indication of future disappointments.

Trapdoor
To find or see a trapdoor in your dream, represents unexpected opportunities that will come your way. Don't be afraid to explore those opportunities. Alternatively, a trapdoor symbolizes discovery of something that you have repressed or stored in the unconscious.

Claustrophobia
To dream that you have claustrophobia, suggests feeling of self-guilt. You fear that you will be punished for your past's actions.

Climb
To dream that you are climbing down something, indicates that you need to acknowledge and take notice of your unconscious. You are expressing some hesitance and reservation with delving into your more negative feelings. Alternatively, it suggests that you may be feeling low or emotionally drained.


Overall most of the dream made sense to particular things/feelings/events going on in my life, so I had it pretty much figured out from the start, but it's always fun to at interpretations, doncha think?

On a side note I just remembered how once an ex-boyfriend had a very good theory on a dream I had. We had had a pregnancy scare and I had a dream where I was hiding a gun in my waist-band throughout the entire dream and at one point I was around my mother and desperately trying to keep it from her. His theory was the gun represented the "pregnancy" because he knew I was horrified of my mother ever finding out.

Dreams are such funny things.

To which I say, wow, Dream, could you make my fears MORE obvious?

Horrible dream last night, nerve-wracking, anxiety-attack ensuing. Ugh.
One of those dreams you think is real while you're in it, then completely forget upon waking up, only to become re-traumatized while stepping in the shower.
It only recall bits and pieces and I may update later once I have looked into the meanings of some things...From what I can remember of it...

At one point in the dream it occurred to me that I was pregnant. Someone, my mother or boyfriend, I think, mentioned it to me and I looked down and realized my stomach was sticking out a little and was firm. This was very frightening for me because IRL I have been trying to get back into a gym routine and have been worried about my weight, so this made the dream feel more real because my first thoughts were "But I thought it was just a few extra pounds from not going to the gym..." but then I was told/remembered that I had been pregnant for a few months.

At this point I tried to remember when it had happened and I realized that I had known for awhile, I guess? but I had been so busy so I kept putting it off and was going to "deal with it later" or something...I've done this with parking tickets and my 21 days comes and goes and I am in Wonderland, so undoubtedly I thought of this in my dream and started to FREAK THE FUCK OUT, trying to remember when it happened, calculating months, wondering if I was past the point of no return, I can't remember what the verdict was, at one point I thought I had calculated and found out I still had time, but at other points in the dream it seemed like I had no choice.

Also, during this part of the dream my mom and boyfriend were around, my mom was excited, which was strange, also there was another child or something that we were going to adopt? and my mom (or maybe my boyfriend) said something about how this was wonderful, and I would be great at taking care of them.
Meanwhile I am screaming in my head and watching all of my freedom go down the drain...

I then began to think of when I first adopted my cat (this is where the dream connected with reality) and how I adopted her because I love cats, but also because I was seeking some sort of responsibility I guess, even though these last 5 years have been liberating, as I was only really responsible for myself, and being the oldest of three I had grown up taking care of my younger siblings, so college was AMAZING, though the ties with my home-base are strong and even my cocky smart-ass brother will (for the most part) come to the rescue when needed, I am just a phone call away, after all...

Anyway, in my dream I thought of my cat and how after the first week of owning her I began to get a little anxious and worry if it was the right decision, how she tied me to my apartment (though that was a reason for getting her as well, since I hardly spent any time at my old place due to it's shit-holeyness...) and this new place is so nice, so I wanted it to feel like home, like a place I wanted to be in, and a cat builds on that...

Regardless I was panicking, in my dream, remembering the slight sense of trapped-ness after I adopted my cat, and how NOW it wasn't just going to be a slight feeling, it was going to be concrete and real and DOOM.

Ugh.

Other parts of my dream, which occurred later, and I was basically in a completely new dream, with no impending doom or babies, I was following my best friend around this house and there were all these trap doors to go through, we were looking for a room full of books, which is fitting for my darling, as she reads more than anyone I know, there was a trap door I had remembered going through before and I didn't want to use it again because it was very small and I always felt like I was going to get stuck, there was another door my friend said we should take and it was slightly bigger but there was a very frail ladder you had to go down and it was bending under our weight, when we reached the bottom it turned out we were in a thrift store (maybe the Goodwill? which I guess makes sense since we went there the other day IRL) but I started to panic again because I saw a pile of clothes on a table that were MY clothes and I realized they had found some of my clothes and were trying to sell them, they were also mostly things I had purchased in thrift stores...

I have had other pregnancy dreams as well as dreams where I have to fit through small space, and IRL I am not claustrophobic, but maybe I would be in the right situation?

Off to consult the internet on the meaning of dreams...more on this later...

The Convenience of the Tramp Stamp

I have been talking, planning and thinking about tattoos a lot lately.
I feel sometimes that I am a bit behind with this, as many of my close friends have already been inked. Eventually this is my plan as well, but I have held back for many reasons:

- tattoos are expensive, I like my money...
- on the note of money, I try to only buy things that are necessary
- the pain
- I already know WHAT I want, but WHERE do I want it?
- where can I put it that my family will never see? until maybe I am 35 with some kids and it doesn't matter anymore?
- I want to be in really good physical shape (if I'm going to be putting something artistic on my body forever I would like it to not be in an already saggy place)

These points being made I do have a goal to have my first tattoo at the end of the summer. It will be a very small tattoo, a design I made randomly my freshman year of college that just struck me as perfect. I was in horrible shape freshman year, though, physically and mentally. My highest weight of 177, which at the time didn't seem so bad, before I started working out.
I would like to be a healthy person and feel good about my body, feel comfortable with wearing shorts in public, etc. But I have not reached that point yet. My hope is to get into shape this summer, to feel good about wearing short shorts or a skimpy dress, I would like to, I like those styles, I just feel...gross.

My goal is also linked to staying in shape, for if I get a tattoo, or tattoos, then I will want to keep in shape to keep them looking nice. This all may sound very superficial, but in some ways it is, because our society is all about looks. That being said, though, I feel there is something to learn from this view. I don't believe everyone needs to be rail thin and starving, but I don't believe that obesity should be embraced as acceptable either. I know that in many cases it is not the fault of the person, but more of the society and cultural view, and also social class comes into play, the less money you have the less healthy food you can "afford" (maybe someday I will do a rant on the cost of cigarettes, beer and lottery tickets among the low-income, but for now, just mull over it)

Anyway,
now I would like to discuss tattoo placement.
I once worked with a woman who had all her tattoos on the backs of her body, she had a tramp stamp, a tattoo above each elbow and I was around when she was getting a great tattoo of a tree on her back and shoulders. She was very specific that the tree branches couldn't wrap around her shoulders so as not to be seen if viewing her from the front. Her reasoning was that if she ever got married she wanted to have wedding pictures where no tattoos could be seen on the front of her for her father. Her father KNEW she had tattoos, and she was probably going to have a backless wedding dress, but having the choice to look "presentable" was still there.

So, in my search for the perfect tattoo location I have thought about why the lower back is so popular. That is probably the reason, it is the most easily hidden, it is also a very nice, flat, least-likely-to-stretch spot. Yet I am very opposed to using it because of it's trampy-stampyness. Though, because I am silly, I always thought it would be funny to get a scene of a sunset right there...

I have been contemplating telling my mother beforehand, just so I can (possibly?) avoid a freak-out later on if she ever saw them...but I am still undecided. It's not like I am thinking "Ask for forgiveness later instead of permission now." Why? Because I know what her opinion is, tattoos = bad. So I wouldn't be asking permission more than just telling her...because I would get them either way, my other issue with telling my mom is then my sister will probably know, and if she knows then EVERYONE will know, and I will get shit for it from all angles, because the only people with tattoos, that I know of, are my uncle and my cousin (on my dads side) and my great-grandmother on that side didn't have any, but she LOVED them, unfortunately she is no longer with us, so she can not be there to appreciate them and shush everyone else...
She used to ask my uncle (dads younger brother) to show off his tattoos on Thanksgiving, and talk about how beautiful they were and then say that she always wanted to have one of a clover right below her collar bone, but that is she had it would be a tree by now (she was 85)

My brother and I have an agreement to tell each other when we get them because we are both planning to, and that's what so great about my brother, although we see each other rarely, we do get along, and have a lot in common, have a lot of the same worldviews, etc. Though are most common interests are cats, eating healthy (no soda and fast food, which is an everyday thing back home...) and tattoos. So at least I know I can tell someone, well and my uncle and cousin, but I only see them on holidays...and my cousin has a very trampy tramp stamp of a HUGE black and purple butterfly...and a rose, on the back of her neck...very meaningful, I'm sure.

My grandparents would probably never know...as I don't know how they would react, and I would be afraid my grandmother would have a grudge against me forever...even though of the 6-7 ideas I have 3 of them are for her (flowers, hummingbird and a mushroom, all things that she loves) and also one for my great-grandmother (an owl, and maybe a clover now that I think of it)

I think that is all for today.